Snack Searching

Goats Really Like to Nibble

And I find journaling to be theraputic

Writer's Block: AKA-username
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What's the story behind your username?

s= for the "s" in "stephanie"
orion=the first constellation I was able to identify (and my subsequent favorite) and the name of my cat who was the most important "person" in my life for over a decade
dee=my childhood pet name for my grandmother, the other most important person in my life

raw milk & baha'i
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In an effort to continue to eliminate processed foods from my diet, I've been researching alternatives to my morning soymilk. I personally believe that my Westsoy organic soymilk is better for the environment than milk from CAFOs, but it still undergoes processing. Additionally, I am trying to eat in a more local, sustainable way, and to learn exactly where my food is coming from and what goes into its production. My gram and I just got accepted into a CSA, and we are really looking forward to fresh, organic, seasonal produce! I loved meeting the farmers and producers at the winter farmers' market I went to earlier this month, and I'm really excited to meet the people who are going to be feeding me throughout the summer!

I digress. Back to the milk.

I'm thinking about going raw, and buying it locally. has full and lowfat raw milk AND the most delicious yogurt I have ever had. Plus I can go to their farm, meet them and their cows, and see how their whole operation is run. How freakin' cool is that?! I can meet the cow whose milk will be going on my cereal. I am so excited. They also have this amazing dairy product called quark. It's amazing.

From their website:

All about Quark

"Quark," German for "curd," is a soft, fresh cheese similiar to cottage cheese or cream cheese. The texture is like a dry sour cream. It has a mild, fresh taste and isn't too tangy. It's common in central and Eastern Europe (Germany, Austria, Poland, Czech Republic, etc).

It's delicious with fresh fruit, chopped nuts and honey. It can also be used to make cheese cake or for dips in place of sour cream. Try it on a bagel instead of cream cheese. For more information, visit the Wikipedia page on Quark.

More about my dairy adventures at another time!

The other topic of today was a little more research into the Baha'i Faith. Turns out there's a retreat/school right across the border in Eliot, ME. Go figure! I emailed them about info on their upcoming weekend courses.

Here's a brief overview of the core values of the faith:

Baha’i Faith
  • Unity of religion
  • Unity of humankind
  • Gender equality
  • Elimination of all forms of prejudice
  • World peace
  • Harmony of religion and science
  • Independent investigation of truth
  • Universal compulsory education
  • Universal auxiliary language
  • Obedience to government and non-involvement in partisan politics
  • Elimination of extremes of wealth and poverty

the ex factor
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John (my ex) stopped by with Xtra Cheez bbq chicken pizza and How to Lose Friends and Influence People. Pizza was fantastic (Xtra Cheez ALWAYS is) and the movie had Simon Pegg, whom I love. It was ok, not as funny as Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, but I definitely laughed a lot.

John looked great, as always, in his well-groomed, fit, and nicely dressed way. He went on, as he always does, about how successful he is and how his life keeps getting better and the job and the money and how everything is perfect...except that I'm missing from the picture. He wants the house and the job and the life...and he's well on his way to quickly acquiring all of that. The only piece missing is the girl. And he wants that to be me.

Life with John wouldn't be horrible. I'd be loved, taken care of, have support and financial stability, and be able to have all the "stuff" I desire and do the things I now only dream of someday being able to afford. John would do absolutely anything for me. He tolerates all of my bad, forgives me when I fuck up. He's a very nice, caring guy.

But he's a build a boyfriend kinda guy. Whatever I want from a partner, he will become. I am thankful that he's maintained his own identity to a degree, but in general he molds himself to what he thinks others want.

Somedays I just want things to be simple and easy and have everything taken care of for me. John wants to work and provide for a family. At most I could work part-time, and have all the time in the world to have hobbies and raise a family. I like cooking and cleaning, and I want a garden and a small farm. God I even want to have a child now! It seems so nice to never have to worry.

Am I selling myself short by wanting to be a happy homemaker? Would it really be a pleasant life?

Sex wasn't horrible. He wants nothing but to please me and will go to any lengths to do so. Kissing would have to be addressed, but again that's doable. These are all small things.

But wait, what about love? Now that I've experienced love, could I ever transfer that emotion to John? Can I live my life without love? Would I everntually come to love him? I think I could. I used to joke and say I'd marry him and just have love affairs on the side. I really don't want to go that route anymore though. It's getting awfully old now.

Mike and John have their similarities, but for the most part they are polar opposites. It really comes down to what's important to me, and what I'm willing to sacrifice or wait for.

I'm ready to settle down, get married, and start a life NOW. John can provide all that and more, everything I've ever dreamed of. Mike has nothing to offer, but I am madly in love with him. He will not be able to get his life on track anytime in the near future, and he will struggle for a good many years to come. Do I really want to put myself through that? Is love worth all that pain and suffering?

Honestly, this concept of "true, real love" is so relatively new to me that I really haven't been able to sort things out yet. I need time, and if there's one thing the men in my life give me, it's plenty of time.

time for change
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I need to make a lot of changes in my life, but I really need to address my eating issues. Before, I maintained a restrictive diet and exercised excessively, and I was unhealthy. Now, I binge eat and rarely work out, and I'm unhealthy. I need to work toward a healthy, happy medium.

I know I need to get back on track. I took photos of myself in my two bikinis and my favorite pair of jeans for comparison, now I just need to get started. The first thing I need to tackle is overeating. I am eating constantly, way too much in one sitting, and way too much, too late at night. It's making me sick, miserable, uncomfortable, and unattractive. But how do I combat the urge? Why do I continue to stuff my face past satiation? 

Some rules need to be set. Maybe no eating after 7pm? And I can try having tea in the evening...herbal tea is warm, sweet, and satisfying. I try not keeping my trigger foods in the house, but then Gram buys them and I can't bring myself to ask her not to because 1) she eats them too and 2) I don't like admitting I have problems. I should start keeping a food diary again...I'm just afraid I'm going to get obsessed with numbers again.

As far as exercising...I just need to do it. I love working out, that's not the problem. I need to make time to do it, make it a priority.

I HATE my body right now. My clothes are too tight or too small, and nothing fits how I want it to. I have a gut, and I NEVER had stomach fat
before. My abs were one of my favorite parts of my body. I was proud of my hard work! Everything is loose and flabby where it used to be tight and toned.

The pictures I took were an eye-opener. Like hell am I hitting the beach this summer looking like that! More importantly, I need my energy, strength, stamina, and self esteem back.

it's complicated...again
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I woke up this morning to what, maybe a foot of snow?! I overslept because we lost power last night, so there was no way I was making my 8am class.

shovel shovel shovel shovel shovel ooo there's my car! shovel shovel shovel I'm coming goats! MaaMaa's coming!

Since I missed my first class, I saw no point in driving on icy roads to my next 50 minute class. Plus, I was still feeling rather depressed after what happened yesterday (ha, guess I should have started journaling then!). It does me no good to sit around all mopey-like, though, so I was super-productive and finished up my farmers' market review and journal article review for EcoG.

About the time I was starting on my unit paper for Food & Society, Mike pops online and we partake in our usual casual chitchat. I didn't really know what to think-had he changed his mind and everything was ok, or was he instantly trying to restart up as friends again? Still, we were talking so I wasn't going to argue! He soon reminded me that nothing had changed, but I was still welcome to stop by and see him for his lunch at Sears.

This was absolutely killing me! I have never fought so hard for something in my entire life. Why was he suddenly giving up when things were finally starting to settle down? After all we've been through, he picks now to throw in the towel?! I know we're struggling with our respective issues, and that it's negatively affecting our relationship, but we're talking now and I believe we can get through this.

I definitely am not used to being on the receiving end of a breakup. I like to have control in a relationship and usually end things abruptly when I'm uncomfortable with how close we're getting (yay for fear of committment!) or if I get manic or depressed and just go completely off and fuck it up.

I was shocked with Mike. He openly admits he's been in love with me since we met and it's no secret that he wants to be with me. So for him to end it?! I must say I was a little proud and impressed, I didn't think he had it in him. I guess it was a wake-up call that he was really having a hard time and I was not helping with the situation.

I was getting nothing accomplished this afternoon after we talked, so I took a nap before I left to go see him. I showed up for his lunch, and it was wonderfully terrible. We walked around the mall and talked about nothing in particular, like we always do. Only he didn't touch me. At all. And it completely tore me apart. I kept hoping he'd come up behind me in a store, put his arms around me and kiss my neck, or that he'd grab my hand while we were walking. By the end of his lunch I couldn't look at him out of fear of bursting into tears. I didn't walk him back to his department because I felt horrible. I sat on a bench and stared at the floor, miserable, not wanting to ever move. In my mind he came out to find me, taking his last 15 early to come and comfort me, to tell me everything was ok. Or that he called to calm me down. I got nothing. I had to walk past him to get to my car, and the only thing he had to say to me was to remind me that I forgot to give him psych on his lunch. I wanted to die right then, it hurt so bad.

I drove down Fort Eddy, toying with the idea of hitting the gym to beat out my frustrations. I ended up crying in the Borders parking lot. Mike called, and I hung up when I started bawling because I hate crying on the phone, and I hated my emotions giving away how much I truly care about him. He immediately called back, saying that he didn't want to leave me crying like that. It meant a lot to me. I again stated my confusion as to why he was suddenly giving up, and he continued to stand his ground, saying it had to be done. I just couldn't take anymore and I dropped the phone and wailed at the ceiling of my car, it hurt so much and I had no way of letting it all out. When I stopped for a breather, I heard Mike's voice. Apparently my phone (or he) hadn't hung up. He finally talked, and explained his position, and everything finally clicked. It sounds silly, but it totally makes sense (and works) for our situation.

We work together. I don't know how, I don't know why, and I don't fight that. Some things in life don't have to make sense or be explained. We have problems right now, we're struggling...but we definitely have a future once things are straightened out. Mike was afraid that if we went down the road we were any longer, the damage would completely destroy any hope of a current or future relationship. By ending things while we were still on good terms with one another, it allowed time to straighten out our respective shit, get our lives together, and then get back together and live the life we had dreamed of. Basically, break up now to ensure a healthy happy future relationship. It sounds stupid, but it made sense and made me feel a whole hell of a lot better when he admitted he was terrified of losing me.

So where do we go from here? Things have to change. We're not broken up, but we're also not jumping right back into things for fear of the same shit happening again. So we're back to being "it's complicated." With Mike and I, honestly, can we ever be anything else? 

Proceed with caution...we'll try, slowly, and take a step back if things start getting out of control. Now that I know he wants to be with me, I have a different outlook on how things can progress and I'm not as scared to ease off a little if we have to. At the same time, I am so thankful to have him again. I don't think I could live without his love and his touch. He's my Mike, and I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I am blessed to have him in my life, and I am lucky he's willing to tolerate my rollercoaster mood swings. He loves and accepts me for who I am and encourages me to become a better person. I couldn't achieve all that I have without his support and praise.

And I could go on and on of my fondness for my love, my best friend, my Mike. But I need sleep, and I need time to call and say goodnight and have him send me off to sweet slumber (finally!) and pleasant dreams. This was a good experience, I think I should write more often-it can be part of my therapy. I'm not concerned about having faithful followers hanging on my every word...but I could benefit learning to express myself and, most importantly, my feelings.


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