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Goats Really Like to Nibble

And I find journaling to be theraputic

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it's complicated...again
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I woke up this morning to what, maybe a foot of snow?! I overslept because we lost power last night, so there was no way I was making my 8am class.

shovel shovel shovel shovel shovel ooo there's my car! shovel shovel shovel I'm coming goats! MaaMaa's coming!

Since I missed my first class, I saw no point in driving on icy roads to my next 50 minute class. Plus, I was still feeling rather depressed after what happened yesterday (ha, guess I should have started journaling then!). It does me no good to sit around all mopey-like, though, so I was super-productive and finished up my farmers' market review and journal article review for EcoG.

About the time I was starting on my unit paper for Food & Society, Mike pops online and we partake in our usual casual chitchat. I didn't really know what to think-had he changed his mind and everything was ok, or was he instantly trying to restart up as friends again? Still, we were talking so I wasn't going to argue! He soon reminded me that nothing had changed, but I was still welcome to stop by and see him for his lunch at Sears.

This was absolutely killing me! I have never fought so hard for something in my entire life. Why was he suddenly giving up when things were finally starting to settle down? After all we've been through, he picks now to throw in the towel?! I know we're struggling with our respective issues, and that it's negatively affecting our relationship, but we're talking now and I believe we can get through this.

I definitely am not used to being on the receiving end of a breakup. I like to have control in a relationship and usually end things abruptly when I'm uncomfortable with how close we're getting (yay for fear of committment!) or if I get manic or depressed and just go completely off and fuck it up.

I was shocked with Mike. He openly admits he's been in love with me since we met and it's no secret that he wants to be with me. So for him to end it?! I must say I was a little proud and impressed, I didn't think he had it in him. I guess it was a wake-up call that he was really having a hard time and I was not helping with the situation.

I was getting nothing accomplished this afternoon after we talked, so I took a nap before I left to go see him. I showed up for his lunch, and it was wonderfully terrible. We walked around the mall and talked about nothing in particular, like we always do. Only he didn't touch me. At all. And it completely tore me apart. I kept hoping he'd come up behind me in a store, put his arms around me and kiss my neck, or that he'd grab my hand while we were walking. By the end of his lunch I couldn't look at him out of fear of bursting into tears. I didn't walk him back to his department because I felt horrible. I sat on a bench and stared at the floor, miserable, not wanting to ever move. In my mind he came out to find me, taking his last 15 early to come and comfort me, to tell me everything was ok. Or that he called to calm me down. I got nothing. I had to walk past him to get to my car, and the only thing he had to say to me was to remind me that I forgot to give him psych on his lunch. I wanted to die right then, it hurt so bad.

I drove down Fort Eddy, toying with the idea of hitting the gym to beat out my frustrations. I ended up crying in the Borders parking lot. Mike called, and I hung up when I started bawling because I hate crying on the phone, and I hated my emotions giving away how much I truly care about him. He immediately called back, saying that he didn't want to leave me crying like that. It meant a lot to me. I again stated my confusion as to why he was suddenly giving up, and he continued to stand his ground, saying it had to be done. I just couldn't take anymore and I dropped the phone and wailed at the ceiling of my car, it hurt so much and I had no way of letting it all out. When I stopped for a breather, I heard Mike's voice. Apparently my phone (or he) hadn't hung up. He finally talked, and explained his position, and everything finally clicked. It sounds silly, but it totally makes sense (and works) for our situation.

We work together. I don't know how, I don't know why, and I don't fight that. Some things in life don't have to make sense or be explained. We have problems right now, we're struggling...but we definitely have a future once things are straightened out. Mike was afraid that if we went down the road we were any longer, the damage would completely destroy any hope of a current or future relationship. By ending things while we were still on good terms with one another, it allowed time to straighten out our respective shit, get our lives together, and then get back together and live the life we had dreamed of. Basically, break up now to ensure a healthy happy future relationship. It sounds stupid, but it made sense and made me feel a whole hell of a lot better when he admitted he was terrified of losing me.

So where do we go from here? Things have to change. We're not broken up, but we're also not jumping right back into things for fear of the same shit happening again. So we're back to being "it's complicated." With Mike and I, honestly, can we ever be anything else? 

Proceed with caution...we'll try, slowly, and take a step back if things start getting out of control. Now that I know he wants to be with me, I have a different outlook on how things can progress and I'm not as scared to ease off a little if we have to. At the same time, I am so thankful to have him again. I don't think I could live without his love and his touch. He's my Mike, and I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I am blessed to have him in my life, and I am lucky he's willing to tolerate my rollercoaster mood swings. He loves and accepts me for who I am and encourages me to become a better person. I couldn't achieve all that I have without his support and praise.

And I could go on and on of my fondness for my love, my best friend, my Mike. But I need sleep, and I need time to call and say goodnight and have him send me off to sweet slumber (finally!) and pleasant dreams. This was a good experience, I think I should write more often-it can be part of my therapy. I'm not concerned about having faithful followers hanging on my every word...but I could benefit learning to express myself and, most importantly, my feelings.


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