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Goats Really Like to Nibble

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the ex factor
Snack Searching
John (my ex) stopped by with Xtra Cheez bbq chicken pizza and How to Lose Friends and Influence People. Pizza was fantastic (Xtra Cheez ALWAYS is) and the movie had Simon Pegg, whom I love. It was ok, not as funny as Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz, but I definitely laughed a lot.

John looked great, as always, in his well-groomed, fit, and nicely dressed way. He went on, as he always does, about how successful he is and how his life keeps getting better and the job and the money and how everything is perfect...except that I'm missing from the picture. He wants the house and the job and the life...and he's well on his way to quickly acquiring all of that. The only piece missing is the girl. And he wants that to be me.

Life with John wouldn't be horrible. I'd be loved, taken care of, have support and financial stability, and be able to have all the "stuff" I desire and do the things I now only dream of someday being able to afford. John would do absolutely anything for me. He tolerates all of my bad, forgives me when I fuck up. He's a very nice, caring guy.

But he's a build a boyfriend kinda guy. Whatever I want from a partner, he will become. I am thankful that he's maintained his own identity to a degree, but in general he molds himself to what he thinks others want.

Somedays I just want things to be simple and easy and have everything taken care of for me. John wants to work and provide for a family. At most I could work part-time, and have all the time in the world to have hobbies and raise a family. I like cooking and cleaning, and I want a garden and a small farm. God I even want to have a child now! It seems so nice to never have to worry.

Am I selling myself short by wanting to be a happy homemaker? Would it really be a pleasant life?

Sex wasn't horrible. He wants nothing but to please me and will go to any lengths to do so. Kissing would have to be addressed, but again that's doable. These are all small things.

But wait, what about love? Now that I've experienced love, could I ever transfer that emotion to John? Can I live my life without love? Would I everntually come to love him? I think I could. I used to joke and say I'd marry him and just have love affairs on the side. I really don't want to go that route anymore though. It's getting awfully old now.

Mike and John have their similarities, but for the most part they are polar opposites. It really comes down to what's important to me, and what I'm willing to sacrifice or wait for.

I'm ready to settle down, get married, and start a life NOW. John can provide all that and more, everything I've ever dreamed of. Mike has nothing to offer, but I am madly in love with him. He will not be able to get his life on track anytime in the near future, and he will struggle for a good many years to come. Do I really want to put myself through that? Is love worth all that pain and suffering?

Honestly, this concept of "true, real love" is so relatively new to me that I really haven't been able to sort things out yet. I need time, and if there's one thing the men in my life give me, it's plenty of time.


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